The Tattered Ten rupee note

“Kitna hua?”.

I asked as I got down at the Railway station from the auto. 

“260 Rupaiye”. I quickly handed three hundred rupees to him. The driver returned four ten rupee notes to me, and left before I could count them. 

I noticed one of the notes was soiled, and had turned black. It had a cello tape running through its middle, keeping it together. I had got a tattered ten rupee note.

I went in to the railway station. Knowing that my train wouldn’t have a pantry car and stopped at few stations, I proceeded towards a stall selling edibles. I purchased biscuits and a water bottle, and handed him the amount including the tattered ten rupee note. He checked and immediately returned it back to me “Madam, yeh nahi chalega”. I knew it would be hard to convince someone to keep a note with such poor condition. I silently took it back and paid him with another instead. I then moved towards the bustling waiting hall, as my train was still an hour away. I took a seat near the entrance. When amidst a crowd, if am not reading a book, the only thing I find myself doing is staring intently at people. Weird ones are my favorite. Just then, a girl rushed into the waiting hall and came up to me asking, “Do you know in which platform will Somwati express be coming?”  Co-incidentally, I was travelling by the same train and told her that it had not been announced yet, but usually comes at Platform 4. She clarified that she had come to see her father off, but had to leave early due to workplace constraints. I nodded as courtesy, and she left.

Finally, the train arrived and the journey towards my destination begun. A few hours into the journey, I saw an extremely old person entering into our bogie. He was carrying a jute case that had small packets of nimkis, aalu chips, and murukkus. Looking at his withered physique, I was amazed to see how he was able to do his job. Necessity is what drives people to push their extremes at times. Hungry as I was, I decided to buy a packet of murukkus. I paid him the amount, and I instantly saw him returning back my money, saying “Yeh toh kahin bhi nahi chalega ji. Dusra de dijiye”. I realized it was the same tattered ten rupee note that I had pulled out of my wallet unintentionally and handed over to him. Just like before, I took it back silently and paid him with another. By the rejections that the piece of paper had faced, I had almost decided, that am never going to offer it to anybody again. I could almost imagine it to be a person now.

A train journey, without vendors is so dull. That is the downside of travelling in a premium train with very few stops. Deep engrossed in my book, I dint realize when I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, and realized I was extremely thirsty. When I looked around, most of my co-passengers were awake and lot of them were waiting for the train to stop at the next station so that they could buy themselves a water bottle. Luckily, after a while, the train did stop at a junction, and vendors poured in. The person selling water bottles was welcomed with a rush of people around him. I looked into my wallet, and saw that I was left with a Thousand rupee note and two ten rupee notes, one of them being the tattered note. The water bottle would definitely cost twenty rupees. When the man came to me, I asked, “Bhaiya, ek paani bottle chahiye. Mere paas bas yahi note hai. Aap loge kya?” showing him the tattered note.

“Ji madam. Chal jayega,” , he said and took it instantly handing me a bottle of water, and boarded down the train that had sounded its horn twice already.

The philosopher in me whispered – Wasn’t the tattered note's situation synonymous to our lives? At some point, we all find ourselves to be weak, put to trials and rejected. But, even the weakest ones are worthy of serving a purpose, however humble it might be. Stopping myself from brooding further on it, I gulped down the bottle of water that was so needed then, and went back to sleep.

Love, with Judgement

It was an early summer morning. I was probably 10 years of age then. My Bhagvat Gita class had got cancelled that day. Yes, Gita class. Because, my parents are super supportive and they have always encouraged me to grab every opportunity that was available in order to do something better with my life. These classes were meant for children, a Swamiji belonging to Chinmay Mission used to conduct them at his very own ashram. A few shlokas and lots of stories to go with that along with melodious bhajans that used to leave us all filled with glee by the time the 2 hour session ended.

Coming back to the story, I had nothing to do that morning, having already woken up. I was returning back when I decided to return by a route that would take longer to reach my home. While coming, a few Bikers come forward from the opposite direction, grab hold of my dress, snatch, I almost fall from my purple ladybird. They shout “I Laubhh you” and go away to come back again and follow me again. It sure scared the shit out of a 10 year old girl travelling in a road that was quiet and deserted as it was quite early. Somehow I had managed to miss them and reach home safely.

That was the first ever incident I faced as a maturing girl. We come across occurrences, we start improving our standard of demand, we start despising few boys, we drool over our crushes that keep changing from day to day. Girls, as we grow up, all of us sketch a virtual image of our prince charming that would make us swoon and sweep us out of our feet and give us our “happily ever after” love story. And the parameters keep changing as we grow up. We start making rules as to what is desirable and what is not.

This also reminds me of the Dhanush and Sonam Kapoor starrer Raanjhana. The plot of the movie makes us despise the character of Zoya who could never reciprocate the love of Kundan, one who was madly deeply crazily in love with her, crazy enough to give up his life. People ask why she couldn’t love Kundan? Why did she have to fall for Akram? I wonder if any girl would have done any different. He was a guy so pale, lean and dark. Beautiful by nature but stupid when it came to personality and the way he conducted himself. I wonder how many girls would vouch for street boys that way. All of us look for some amount of emotional stability in a guy, who makes us feel secure about our future.  So where was Zoya wrong in not choosing Kundan?

For all the couples in the world who do not please our eyes, we say - Love is surely blind. People say, Love is the absence of judgement. As we grow up this belief starts waning away. As we grow up, most of us become afraid to let go and take chances. Love comes attached with judgment. Our own share of reasons - based on all the factors we have devised while growing up all these years. Isn't it?

Will They Laugh?

                                                 

Sitting in the classroom, attending 3 hours of lecture at a stretch is real painful. Students keep on waiting for a distraction. In the meanwhile if the Prof Gets a phone call or someone just comes up with an announcement to make, everyone breathes a sigh of relief unanimously. She was one among them. First year of her college. And this time there was an announcement by the seniors, Kronicle’s cup, debate, extempore, group discussions, compete your way through to be the winner. She remembers being a great orator during her school time, immense support by her friends, teachers and her family.

 Getting back to hostel, having an evening cup of coffee with friends round the table can ease you out of all the weariness. “Hey, heard about the kronicle thingy?” “Yeah, wanna participate too. I used to in school. It was fun.”

 “Crazy? Its college ma’m. Extempore does not deal with my school, my father, my mother. They ask you about the recent kingfisher case or kapil sibbal. Or maybe out of the box stuffs like “a dot”.speak on it;go!how much substance can you think of to speak with all seniors staring at you. thought this competition was a magical Narnia wonderland? Everything at college isn’t a piece of cake like at school. You stand there making a fool of yourself. And they laugh at you."

And thats where her “thinking twice” or rather “dropping it instead of thinking on it” venture started.

When they see her sitting there at the corner all by herself, they do go to her and ask “hey hun! You seem quite, is there anything bothering you? Why don’t yu join them and enjoy yourselves? Let yourself go?”

And everytime she comes up with the same reply “no no. Nothing as such. i don’t feel like now. You don’t need to be worrying about me. Am fine (: “

They leave her to herself assuming one of the following :-

1)      She is shy

2)      Not in the good of moods today

3)      Introvert..maybe?

But the only thing that has consumed her mind is “will they laugh?”

Sitting with a friend of hers, gossiping, bitching, having fun, she remarks on something. her friend says “what did you say? Couldn’t hear you.”  She thinks again. And then repeats “nothing. Drop it” (: thinking, if her comment wasn’t witty enough again! “will they laugh?”

when she is called upon by her elders to help them out in a chore she would readily join them but not before asking “am not so good at it. Will they laugh at me if am not able to do it properly?” and only when she is convinced that there is no “mock at me” risk involved there does she go along.

She is like the others around her. She loves having fun. She is at her best when she is in high spirits. She loves dancing to the tunes. She loves pulling his leg. She enjoys big parties with dad and crazy shopping sessions with mom. But deep down there, something pulls her back. Every move she takes, she does it for others, how do they see her, what do they think of her. Unknown is the fact to her that  she has forgotten being herself. Little does she know that the more she acts like herself the less they make fun of her. And even if they do, she must know she is way better than they think she is capable of. Million efforts of making her understand and boosting her self esteem bore no results. She says “you cant make me feel better. Its got to be me. I need to realise it myself” and all i can say to that is “i miss you”. The sooner you reliase it and come back, the better! The world’s waiting out there  to see you shine.

With Love

The girl in your mirror